i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
