Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
