Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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