mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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