so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
