Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
