youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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