Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
