im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize