if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
