No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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