I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
