It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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