why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
