the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
