Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
me + whiskey = a bad person
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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