When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
birth control should be required to get into college
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
