She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
