Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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