I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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