I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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