the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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