what day is it and did you see me today?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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