The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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