taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
