I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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