shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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