seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
