Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
