Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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