nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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