I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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