I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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