True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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