I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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