He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
