I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize