After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
