I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
