you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
