if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
