he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
