he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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