I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
