I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
