I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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