My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
