Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
