jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
