Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
