i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
