Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
