Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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