Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
