Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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