I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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