So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
