yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
