Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
