i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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