I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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