the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
